Today it’s just all too much! AND to ensure I get through this day, I really need to allow myself to feel and write my feelings down. I know it will help me heal and maybe help others too, the ones who are also feeling the pressure of putting on a smile every day, dealing with grief, dealing with inheritance, dealing with loved ones, dealing with life, accepting everyone, forgiving everyone!
IAM not sorry that I have no smile today, I have to be true to myself, to feel the depths of sadness that is screaming to explode from within, and in this case allow myself to write about it, even dare show this side of myself publicly, which I know will help me heal my shattered heart.
This is not about needing another person to fix a problem or solve an issue, it’s just about being heard. Knowing you can voice your feelings, to yourself and another, otherwise you can remain stuck in an emotion and this only causes physical disease if allowed to root!
I know my family and friends here love to hear from me, the good and the ugly! I appreciate your presence and am grateful to receive your hug and unconditional love! It all helps me remember, IAM Magnificent! IAM not alone nor unloved, I can do this and will get through this awful time!
Today like no other, I feel how murky my waters are! It’s been 7 months of what feels like, fighting for my life! So I have to listen to this inner call and cleanse my waters if I want to be able to focus clearly on where to find my big girl pants and continue on this hard and long journey, birthing a new me and new life!
I know life is all about flow and change! Accepting change that allows you to move forward. But it’s not easy! Habits are comfortable and easy! IAM doing better than I know many people do when they lose their dearest love and am learning how family and friends have such an instrumental role in this healing journey, especially in the beginning. It is why it feels so cruel when some just leave you by the roadside and ignore your call!
So today IAM listening to myself! IAM allowing myself to explode in every way I can, which is writing here to let it all out and remind myself IAM a good and loving person and I can get myself out of this ditch!
For the first few months without Tom, I was deep in shock and could hardly function. Thank goodness for some family and friends who remain by my side and continue to help me deal with both the emotional and practical sides of someone dying. You know how it is, how we as society accept and follow blindly the laws of the land… in this case of inheritance… believing it’s ok to expect a grieving person to deal with everything so complex and so quickly!
The clock ticks on, lawyers and tax bills drop in the mail box like there is no tomorrow! AND you are trying your best to get through the good and bad days, dealing with all life’s challenges. Not really knowing whether you’re coming or going because you are functioning in a world of disbelief and heartbreak.
IAM normally a fast learner, having lots of common sense and understand the three R’s… but when your head is in a muddle, you lose all sense of time and space and everything becomes a blur. It’s a time you really can’t explain yourself normally, you forget what’s what and you rely on loved ones (family and friends) to walk by your side to help you do your best and get through this.
So sorry to the ones who think IAM acting strange, unloving and even offensive! IAM doing my very best to muddle through and sort everything out… it’s something Tom and I promised to do for each other, to continue to protect our family when one of us was no longer here!
I’ve always been different, a little odd, an outsider if you will! I know what I want and follow my heart, which I know can come across a little harsh at times, but I have always taken great care to be compassionate and caring. Tom and myself always made a point to put our children and family first and to be each others No 1 fans, to inspire and support each other through all life’s ups and downs!
Today I really miss my No 1 fan in person! IAM missing his unconditional nature that always made me feel better, reminding me of my own loving and caring nature that would get me through any rough time.
So thankyou all for being here and listening to me today, as I clear my murky water.
I know IAM not a bad or criminal person! IAM a good, honest and caring person who loves unconditionally.
I suppose this is why it saddens me so deeply to feel how some people can be so heartless and cruel in making you feel so bad and unwanted. No decent person deserves to be treated this way! Why is it that some people cannot learn to stop projecting their own problems and insecurities on others.
Why is it that we can’t all bring ourselves to love and honour one another unconditionally?
I don’t like feeling this way, so I know I have to move on without such people, however sad it feels. I will not fight, only continue to love unconditionally and hope some day they feel to love me truly too.
Life is short, I must honour and celebrate each of my days, I must honour myself and Tom by continuing to smile and be happy, and be the change that moves me forward to create great change in our world.
Thankyou for being here, for listening to my woes, I feel my murky waters clearing and the depths of my sadness, having erupted is being dissolved.
©Barbara Franken… Creative Visionary & Master Creator
Inspiring New Energy Consciousness & Multi-Dimensional Living
A True Magical Children’s Story about Love and Life. To inspire our children to connect deeply with themselves and the natural world around them and remember the truth of their being ‘Sparkles of Love’, here to bring love and harmony into the world, quite simply by being them self and enjoying their life in each moment.
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I share my own magical journey, exploring Who I AM with the help of nine Elemental Beings and expand from a world of fear, struggle and limitation into a New Energy Consciousness of love, grace and freedom. It is in this loving space that I discover my Divine and ALL LOVING self and allow myself to integrate together as one Body Consciousness… a DivineHumanBeing… and Magnificent Master Creator who expresses and creates heart and soul passion on the physical plane and beyond..
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All the money raised from my books and classes go to my non-profit association The Magnificent Consciousness that holds free local Creative Art projects in Benalmadena, Spain.