Today it’s just all too much! AND to ensure I get through this day, I really need to allow myself to feel and write my feelings down. I know it will help me heal and maybe help others too, the ones who are also feeling the pressure of putting on a smile every day, dealing with grief, dealing with inheritance, dealing with loved ones, dealing with life, accepting everyone, forgiving everyone!
IAM not sorry that I have no smile today, I have to be true to myself, to feel the depths of sadness that is screaming to explode from within, and in this case allow myself to write about it, even dare show this side of myself publicly, which I know will help me heal my shattered heart.
This is not about needing another person to fix a problem or solve an issue, it’s just about being heard. Knowing you can voice your feelings, to yourself and another, otherwise you can remain stuck in an emotion and this only causes physical disease if allowed to root!
I know my family and friends here love to hear from me, the good and the ugly! I appreciate your presence and am grateful to receive your hug and unconditional love! It all helps me remember, IAM Magnificent! IAM not alone nor unloved, I can do this and will get through this awful time!
Today like no other, I feel how murky my waters are! It’s been 7 months of what feels like, fighting for my life! So I have to listen to this inner call and cleanse my waters if I want to be able to focus clearly on where to find my big girl pants and continue on this hard and long journey, birthing a new me and new life!
I know life is all about flow and change! Accepting change that allows you to move forward. But it’s not easy! Habits are comfortable and easy! IAM doing better than I know many people do when they lose their dearest love and am learning how family and friends have such an instrumental role in this healing journey, especially in the beginning. It is why it feels so cruel when some just leave you by the roadside and ignore your call!
So today IAM listening to myself! IAM allowing myself to explode in every way I can, which is writing here to let it all out and remind myself IAM a good and loving person and I can get myself out of this ditch!
For the first few months without Tom, I was deep in shock and could hardly function. Thank goodness for some family and friends who remain by my side and continue to help me deal with both the emotional and practical sides of someone dying. You know how it is, how we as society accept and follow blindly the laws of the land… in this case of inheritance… believing it’s ok to expect a grieving person to deal with everything so complex and so quickly!
The clock ticks on, lawyers and tax bills drop in the mail box like there is no tomorrow! AND you are trying your best to get through the good and bad days, dealing with all life’s challenges. Not really knowing whether you’re coming or going because you are functioning in a world of disbelief and heartbreak.
IAM normally a fast learner, having lots of common sense and understand the three R’s… but when your head is in a muddle, you lose all sense of time and space and everything becomes a blur. It’s a time you really can’t explain yourself normally, you forget what’s what and you rely on loved ones (family and friends) to walk by your side to help you do your best and get through this.
So sorry to the ones who think IAM acting strange, unloving and even offensive! IAM doing my very best to muddle through and sort everything out… it’s something Tom and I promised to do for each other, to continue to protect our family when one of us was no longer here!
I’ve always been different, a little odd, an outsider if you will! I know what I want and follow my heart, which I know can come across a little harsh at times, but I have always taken great care to be compassionate and caring. Tom and myself always made a point to put our children and family first and to be each others No 1 fans, to inspire and support each other through all life’s ups and downs!
Today I really miss my No 1 fan in person! IAM missing his unconditional nature that always made me feel better, reminding me of my own loving and caring nature that would get me through any rough time.
So thankyou all for being here and listening to me today, as I clear my murky water.
I know IAM not a bad or criminal person! IAM a good, honest and caring person who loves unconditionally.
I suppose this is why it saddens me so deeply to feel how some people can be so heartless and cruel in making you feel so bad and unwanted. No decent person deserves to be treated this way! Why is it that some people cannot learn to stop projecting their own problems and insecurities on others.
Why is it that we can’t all bring ourselves to love and honour one another unconditionally?
I don’t like feeling this way, so I know I have to move on without such people, however sad it feels. I will not fight, only continue to love unconditionally and hope some day they feel to love me truly too.
Life is short, I must honour and celebrate each of my days, I must honour myself and Tom by continuing to smile and be happy, and be the change that moves me forward to create great change in our world.
Thankyou for being here, for listening to my woes, I feel my murky waters clearing and the depths of my sadness, having erupted is being dissolved.
©Barbara Franken… Creative Visionary & Master Creator
Inspiring New Energy Consciousness & Multi-Dimensional Living
A True Magical Children’s Story about Love and Life. To inspire our children to connect deeply with themselves and the natural world around them and remember the truth of their being ‘Sparkles of Love’, here to bring love and harmony into the world, quite simply by being them self and enjoying their life in each moment.
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I share my own magical journey, exploring Who I AM with the help of nine Elemental Beings and expand from a world of fear, struggle and limitation into a New Energy Consciousness of love, grace and freedom. It is in this loving space that I discover my Divine and ALL LOVING self and allow myself to integrate together as one Body Consciousness… a DivineHumanBeing… and Magnificent Master Creator who expresses and creates heart and soul passion on the physical plane and beyond..
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I clicked “like” to let you know I’m here. Where’s the “I care” button when you need it? WordPress needs to give us choices the way FB does. Ah, Barbara, life is full of ups and downs, isn’t it? I can’t imagine a downer more down than losing my #1 fan, my life’s partner. You have a right to let your sadness emerge. You are smart to air it. I am praying 🙏🏽 that comfort will come 🥰 and resolution to move up and out will return 👍🏽🤩 But in the meantime, crawl under a down comforter, bury your head, let the emotions flow 😭 and know that you have a world of fans out here who are sending lovingly vibes your way 😘🤗 God bless you!
Dear Jan, so loving your loving presence and kind and wise words, just what I needed to hear on my rollercoaster emotional day! I had a lovely selfish me day, early night and have woken up today, somewhat refreshed💃🎶 I can feel a little joyful music playing in my heart that has already began this healing journey! Thankyou for your prayers🙏 much love and continue to enjoy Switzerland💃🕺🎶
Continued prayers for you, Barbara. 🙏🏽❤️
Thanks for sharing your love and your loss Barbara, honoring your feelings. I can imagine dealing with Tom’s loss and the estate issues is a lot. I trust you to handle it with compassion. Hugs…🌷
Thankyou Brad for always being there for your comrades of love🕺It’s such a great feeling to have our WordPress army around, it’s like we’ve been through so much together! Today feels lighter, still wobbly but more focused to do my walk❤️💃🎶 Much love x
Grief can be a difficult and exhausting process, but it is also an important part of healing. Continue to honor your feelings. Be gentle and patient with yourself and take things one day at a time. Big Hugs xo
So exhausting, but yes it’s something I feel is a must! Honouring all my feelings and as you wisely say one day at a time❤️ Thankyou so much for being here and sharing your love, much love x
I’m so sorry, Barbara. Your grieving is real and deserves its place. There’s no expectation for you to be any ‘certain’ way as you process this. He was the love of your life, and as you said, your #1 FAN. I believe he still is! And you will definitely see yourself through this. Sending you lots of love.
Thankyou Ka for being here, sometimes it gets too much and we need to be lifted up a little! Yes Tom is still supporting me, but still difficult to communicate as I’d like! Working on that though! AND I will get through this because of you and all my friends and family who genuinely care! Thanks so much, sending love❤️
Oh, Barbara, thank you for just being you and letting your emotions and honesty flow. No one should judge because your path is yours and no one can even predict what you’re experiencing. As my husband and I get older, we can’t help but think about what can happen and what life will look like when it does. As much as we need to let loose our emotions, we need to forgive ourselves for doing so, and then allow those smiles to form again, too. Grieving has its stages and there is no right or wrong. The journey varies for everyone, so just continue doing what you’re doing, and don’t give too much rent space in your mind to those who aren’t supportive. You deserve much more. I’m sending virtual hugs for comfort, and I pray that each day the light’s glow will shine just a little more brighter. Much love, Lauren ❤️
Lovely to feel your presence Lauren and read your kind and wise words… forgiveness is a big part of this, allowing myself to be me! AND your right about the rent space, but so hard to let go in this particular scene. IAM all for harmony and one big happy family, but maybe it’s just not meant to be, at least for now! Now I’m being helped from my friends here to glow a little brighter and it feels good! We all need a lift now and again❤️ Thankyou Lauren so much, much love and enjoy your guy like there’s no tomorrow, that’s all we can ever do💃🕺🥰
Your current journey is a very powerful one Barbara, it has taken you to a place that seems to poke every emotion that you have, and some you never knew. Tom came into your life to teach you, just by being himself. You know all of that love you shared and now it is asking a harder path, to accept your love. A lifetime can’t be helped of a codependent love, it is its very design. The dependent love you have barely touched, and, as you have found…starts out very lonely. But Tom is always there to help, even in those images and chats you put in your post above. How would you share your love with Tom, then focus on that same love for you. And yes, this is a very difficult time to adjust to such a change. And to be honest, if others are not giving a compassion for your journey you must focus on that love for you. Selfish? No, not at a time like this and if they cannot understand maybe it is because they fear to face what you are going through within themselves. It touches somewhere inside them that they don’t want to touch…and you are there so their coping of it will be from a fearful place. And you my friend, are doing as you should. Give out that grief, adjust its meaning in accepting that a great man shared much beauty with you so that you will reach a place within that will gradually bring a smile in appreciation for where you are now going. It isn’t easy or you would not give an appreciation of such magnitude in what you will find. But when you arrive the first thing you will do is thank God, Tom and even all those around you for what you have finally found and understood. A very big hug, love and light from over here dear lady, and a big bundle of energy to just do you. In this time you must do you first, they are big and tiring steps but the foundations you are building is bringing a very beautiful love that only you can build, and build well. Lots of love to heal that heart within my friend, she is always there, and always with you xox ❤️🙏🏽
During our life we were always aware of how our dependency was being erased! Most of our pleasures and friends were shared together! It’s why I always dreaded anything to happen than together forever😀 But I will do this, it’s all part of our venture and I know Tom’s with me, but it’s for me now to finally grab myself and feel my treasure! Our life was so happy and in a way it still is, just taking a while to get used to! I feel maybe some people are jealous of our love because I know it is so rare. I must just accept this though and move on to discover the treasure, quite exciting! Thankyou dear Mark for your love and wisdom, I feel nicely lifted by all my family here, ready to focus on another beautiful day❤️💃🕺🎶 much love to you🥰
I’m writing this with tears in my eyes and sending you the biggest warmest hug of love and friendship across the ocean. Know that in your sadness and grief you’re not alone, even though you may feel at times as though you are. Life is indeed short and full of change, challenge and emotion. And it’s so okay for you to cleanse and let it all out. May you find comfort in your cherished memories with Tom, the release you need and the strength to rise up again and keep loving life and yourself. As I’m sure you will. Much love my friend. ❤️❤️🙏
Ah Miriam Thankyou for being here, it means so much! It’s all one needs occasional when we fall, to be lifted up and held a while! Today is a new day and I have better focus for me to continue this arduous journey❤️💃 I will do it! Much love and gratitude my dear friend❤️
You show great strength in sharing your grief with all the other emotions with us. One when you talk the talk should do the walk aligning yourself with Source. Remember the love has no fences and the wound is a place for the light to enter. Let your emotions wash over you. It is freeing. I know how you feel been there but for now I give you a loving hug.
Sometimes one just loses it! AND needs friends around to ‘party in the wounds’ with!🤣😂 It was a great party, it was long overdue and now I can refocus on bringing the light out! Thankyou so much dear Joseph for your loving presence and kind, wise words❤️ sending you love x
You are seen, heard, held, and loved dear Barbara. Thank you for sharing your authentic heart and for honoring the energy stream flowing through you. I feel that your grieving and movement through all the layers of sadness, loss, and pain, are helping to move and transmute energy for the collective. Warmest hugs and honor for where you are and who you are now and always.
Thankyou tania for holding me up in your light, sometimes it’s too much and we need to call in our family and friends to help with this work we are all doing for ourself and humanity now! I feel so much better today! Much love to you x
Dearest Barbara… I cannot tell you how this photo and post broke my heart as I felt your tears and grief…
You I know, who are so strong, keeping that bright smile there for others, as you shine your light to bring love and joy into our lives… Its only natural that your grief surfaces with all you have gone through.
And I think you are very courageous in showing that raw grief…
So many lovely supportive comments from your fellow blogging friends here dear Barbara who love you dearly…
While we can only give you virtual hugs my friend… I know I was very privileged recently in being able to give you a personal hug on your visit to the UK..
I feel sometimes those of us who work constantly with the Light, are expected to be super-human… We are in fact more vulnerable for our empathic natures in that we ‘Feel’ so much more…
I am sending you dearest Barbara All our love, from hubby and myself…. And I know today will seem a little less dark and lonely for we are sending you So, Sooooo, much love to help you over this hurdle…
Much love dear Barbara… Love Sue x <3
I feel so loved and am so grateful for all the support our family gives here❤️ I remember very well our hug in the UK and I continue to feel it as all the love holding me up to give me courage to journey fully into my grief and into myself!
Next day I had a real nice chat with my grandson that just made my day end better and am now again surfing this ride taking one day at a time❤️ Thankyou dear sue for being here for me with such wise and loving energy🥰🎶💃💃 sending love to you and hubby🙏